Monster High

MONSTER HIGH is like a horny teenager: it knows what it wants more than it knows what it is. It wants comedy, bared breasts, drug humor, gore, and dark humor. It does not know that itself is little more than a raging, hormone-charged mess with braces.

The film begins with a tedious prologue featuring Satan or some other Master of the Universe in his office querying the whereabouts of Mr. Armageddon, recently escaped from imprisonment. He is provided this information in film form and thus begins our movie proper.

Mr. Armageddon has been smuggled out of the netherworld by Dume and Glume—two bald alien agents of destruction. Armageddon has been imprisoned in a basketball until D & G release him. I suppose this is the film teasing itself about its cheap special effects. Once out of his bondage, Armageddon announces the impending destruction of planet Earth, beginning at the local Montgomery Sterling High School (which the back of the DVD case helpfully enunciates MONtgomery STERling HIGH, get it?)

This brings Armageddon to cross-purposes with Norm Median (and just about everyone else on the planet, I suppose) who wants only to have sex with Candace Cane. The rest of the film plays out with Armageddon seducing and then offing various high school students (insert random breast close-ups here) before the final showdown: a basketball game for the fate of planet Earth.

There are some amusing deaths along the way. One character is consumed by a giant, mutant, marijuana plant. Another is mauled by his computer on which he plays a game similar to Asteroids except he’s a penis shooting sperm into descending Bibles. In an embarrassing moment of male sexual fear, a female a character is held up side down and split in half right down the vagina like a wishbone.

MONSTER HIGH is amusing in a condescending sort of way. Its antics are random and wild, but rather than approach that often delightful state of surreal madness, they strike one as hopeless, muttering the despondent phrase: “When will these people grow up?”

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