Jumper

For a bad movie reviewer such as myself, it is good to have connections. One such connection is through a good friend of mine who works at a theatre, where I see movies such as Jumper for free before their (doomed to have the price slashed within days) dvd release. I will admit that when I first saw the previews I thought "Wow, how does Hayden Christiansen still get work?" Referring to the abomination that was his performance in the Star Wars movies (all due respect to George Lucas). But I figured I would give him another chance. By the end of the movie I was actually quite impressed with Christiansen…or rather, his ability to continue to churn out bad movie after bad movie!
I think the first time I got a hint that the movie was going to be bad was when I was reading a tag line which said "Jumpers have been around for centuries, and their religious war has been raging for thousands of years." So, if this is to be believed the war they have been a part of has been raging longer than the jumpers have been around. Either that or the person who wrote this was really quite dumb.
But enough of that. You want to hear about the movie. The movie begins with David Rice (Christiansen) when he was in high school. He was a bit of an emo kid which, naturally, had a crush on a cool girl, and she liked him too. Her dream (Warning: obvious and miserably un-clever foreshadowing) was to travel the world. So, as a little gift, David got her a snow globe (Because nothing says "I have the ability to teleport and take you anywhere you want to go…oh yeah, and I love you" like a snow globe). Well, the school bully showed up and tossed the snow globe onto a frozen lake. Not to be shown up, David walked out to get it and fell in, and all of a sudden, teleported. The school children thought he died, even though he appeared, very wet, in the library. The girl, Millie, was very sad, until she found the snow globe outside her house, but David was nowhere to be found. Of course, because when you find out you can teleport, any young kid wants to do one thing: run away from home and rob banks.
Fast forward (because the movie does) to the present, where David is living it up, extremely rich from all of his burglaries, and enjoying the good life. In the morning surfing, lunch on the sphinx's head, and the evening spent hanging off a hang of Big Ben. Unfortunately, this is when he has his first run in with Roland (Samuel L. Jackson), a religious fanatic, known as a Paladin (creative name, huh?), who feels "Only God should have the power to be in all places" (Clearly he has never heard of frequent flier miles). Ah well, who needs airplanes when you have an endless supply of false ID's and a machine that lets you jump through the portals that the jumpers leave behind, not to mention electric cords that can keep jumpers from jumping. Yes, apparently jumpers can jump through anything, take anything with them when they jump, accept getting through a little shock cable.
After David escapes, he jumps back to his home town, where he hasn't been in 8 years, and 10 hours later he has Millie on a plane headed to Rome and the school bully is in prison. David is a quick worker. Either that, or this movie was cut by a 5 year old with a hatred of plots and character development. Though that is understandable considering if you listened to Hayden Christiansen's narration you would want to cut out as much of this movie as possible.
Well, as the old saying goes "When in Rome, take the hot chick you've been with for 10 hours and break into the coliseum." And once you've accomplished that, be sure to run into another jumper (make sure it is an overly pissed off emo jumper who apparently hasn't taken his meds and just bitches loudly to the point where you just want to slap the bastard because he keeps going and wont shut the hell up for the rest of the damn movie!) Sorry, but that's all he did. In a sense, his over acting was actually more aggravating than Hayden Christiansen's patented "sleep acting" (which is similar to sleep walking, accept we have to listen to him).
Once again, fast forward. Our hero, the runaway bank robber, got chased, got into a fight, got arrested, met his mom, escaped, and left his hot girlfriend in an airport, all in the span of about 5 minutes and now finds himself with angry jumper, Griffin, in a hide out in Egypt. But not so fast, Roland attacked and killed (maybe, we don't really know) David's dad and has his girlfriend trapped in her house. David wants to save her, but Griffin refuses, so they fight, and in a clever trap, David leaves him in the middle of a fallen electric tower, from which he cannot escape, and off David goes to save the lady.
In his infinite wisdom, he walks straight into the house and gets caught, but in the climax of the movie, teleports the entire room of the house into the library, then grabs Roland, and transports him to the grand canyon, where he is left to starve in a cliff (this is supposed to be the nice way to deal with him).
In the final scene, David meets his mom. He finds out that she left him when he was five because she was a paladin and she would have had to kill him. I present it matter-of-factly because the movie just throws this part in for no apparent reason. It doesn't change anything and it is a terrible twist, one of the worst I have ever seen, which serves absolutely no purpose what-so-ever. It is a quaint end to what is otherwise a choppy movie with no character development to speak of, miserably boring narration, terrible acting, and no real plot development.
So yes, you may have seen the previews, and you may have thought it would be an interesting movie, but trust me, this one delivers. It bad in many many ways, and the only place this movie is jumping is to the discount rack.

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