Ice Spiders

I needed a movie that would get a couple of my friends into bad movies, so naturally, we went to blockbuster. Initially we considered getting something good, like The Departed. But then on the new release wall we found this gem, Ice Spiders.

The cover of Ice Spiders is the picture of a gigantic spider, climbing down a mountain (yes, the spider is the size of the mountain, which will be brought back up in my review later, so keep that in mind), and the spider is chasing a skier. Flip the box over, and you find two more mountain-size spiders chasing skiers, as well as a description of the movie. The box tells you the movie is about a group of Olympic-caliber skiers going to a remote lodge in Alaska to practice for trials, and while at the lodge are stalked by giant spiders which had escaped from a military installation, once again, in Alaska.

Then you put the movie in and almost instantly all of your hopes and dreams are crushed. The movie actually takes place in Utah, not Alaska, and not exactly a remote part either. The residents of the ski lodge would probably disagree with the assessment that the place is "deserted." In fact there is quite a bit of action going on at the ski lodge, especially concerning the obvious sexual tension between the ex-Olympic skier, Dash (as if his name could be anything less stereotypical) and the sexy young Ph.D, April, who was employed by the military at their base up the mountain (ah yes, those infamous marine bases lining the mountains of Utah). These are the two who the movie centers around…well, them and then school bus full of Olympic skier wanna-bes who apparently spent all of their young lives skiing, none of their young lives in a classroom, and have the grammar and speech patterns of someone you'd expect to find on the beach in California (that's right, apparently all Olympic skiers are surfer-dudes).

But don't fret, not all the people in Utah are moronic skiers. There are also a couple of rednecks. Yep, the movie actually opens with two redneck hunters out in the woods. While hunting, they happen to stumble upon the ice spiders. At this point in the movie my DVD player actually snarled at me, because you remember those giant spiders chasing skiers down a mountain on the cover I talked about earlier. Well if a small dog (a computer generated small dog which looks like it was animated on a 5 year old laptop) is the size of a mountain, then yes, they are the size of a mountain. I mean they might as well have put a menacing Scottish terrier on the cover, because it would be about the same thing. The only thing that makes these spiders special is the fact that apparently they are lighting fast and can tackle like an all-pro linebacker. Needless to say, they off the rednecks, who apparently, upon seeing one of these spiders, lose all ability to shoot their rifles or defend themselves at all.

Well, back to the lodge, where the young skiers have just arrived and naturally, within the first five minutes, the cocky one (there's always a cocky one), Chad, has challenged Dash to a race down the mountain. Dash (apparently injured from a ski accident, they're always injured from a ski accident) loses, and while they race down the mountain, we get a brief clip where an unfortunate skier goes off a jump, and one of the spiders tackles him in mid air and kills him.

At the end of the race, a nameless park ranger (well, he has a name, but it really doesn't matter) shows up and says he needs Dash's help finding the two rednecks who have apparently gone missing. He agrees and they go out in search of them. They stumble upon a dead deer (which always signals to me that there are giant spiders on the loose) and become worried. They then find the dead hunters, and along with them, a couple of the spiders. You can imagine what happens to the nameless park ranger, but Dash gets away, but not before he runs over the spiders, which splatters into a million pieces.

When Dash gets back to the lodge, he alerts everyone to the problem, as well as the young doctor, April, who goes up to the base and calls out her boss (a scientist, complete with a douchbag gotee). The marines ordered to guard the base go in after survivors, only to find a "giant" black widow which kills a couple of them. We then find out that there are in fact 6 (well, now 5 after Dash ran one over) of these spiders, which were being used by the military (of course) to create web to make bullet-proof armor (because giant battle-spiders wouldn't have been cool enough).

They return down the mountain to protect the lodge and the brat skiers who decided they needed to leave and got stuck in a bus which they so wisely wrecked into a ditch with a spider on top trying to punch holes in the roof.
But I am not sure what to tell you from there. The movie resolves all of these seemingly insurmountable problems so quickly and stupidly that I don't know how to sum it all up. You think my review has holes in it? Trust me, it isn't my fault.

In short, the movie climax is when the final spider finds itself in the bottom of a half pipe, with government agents surrounding it and the skiers sitting at the top of a half pipe with a cannon (no, we never find out where the cannon came from), and they proceed to blow up the spider. The government has managed to capture another one of the spiders and intends to continue with the testing. One of the agents then goes into a 2 minute speech about how the government is going to cover this up, and none of the skiers will be able to convince anyone otherwise, and it is here we get the movies "message" about how the government covers things up and the public needs to keep watch because it is out to get us. Then the movie ends with not so much as a goodbye kiss, and you are left wondering if you can bring a lawsuit against the producers for theft of an hour and a half of your life.

To sum up, this movie is yet another installment of the perpetual crap that the Sci Fi channel churns out on a monthly basis.

~Dan

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