Death Tunnel

Epileptics beware…

by Dan Angell

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As all my devoted readers (all 2 of you) know, I have reviewed many a horror movie. If you haven’t noticed, their ham-handed attempts at scaring their audiences are basically one of the reasons I wake up in the morning. And so naturally, when I came to a movie with two different spellings of the word “sanatorium” on the DVD case and used “sexy coeds” to describe the characters, I was more than ready to deeply immerse myself in the story… unfortunately in this movie, there was only the shallow end.

You see, it is very clear from the outset that this movie has about half an hour of story. “But, Daniel,” you might say, “it says on the box that it’s an hour and a half. How can that be?”

When I say half an hour of story, I am talking about actual pieces of information, presented to the audience in a digestible and comprehensive manner. The other hour of movie is just the 30 minutes replayed in small chunks in the form of dream sequences and memories. The uninhibited repetition of these scenes, many of them repeated more than once… twice… ten times, along with a poor sound track and a story chopped up into so many pieces it is nearly incomprehensible all culminate into one of the single worst editing jobs in movie history!

This movie revolves around a group of five young, hot, party girls (and, did I mention, Medical Students?) who get “kidnapped” during a party by the token hot guy, who puts them on different floors of an old, abandoned hospital. This is when it all goes terribly, terribly stupid.

An undisclosed “undertaker” character is the primary antagonist for most of the movie. He is the one who pseudo-chases the girls through the hospital, and lets us know after each one dies “Five floors, five girls, five hours…five floors, four girls, four hours…” and so on.

If you follow his less than ominous message you understand the basic driving force of the movie: a different girl dies every hour over the course of five hours. The movie attempts to make some vague connection between each girl and the history of the hospital, in which 63,000 people died due to some plague and neglect from the hospitals administrator, Dr. Vangard.

The hot guy, from here on known as Richie, realizes, after the deaths of two of his cohorts, that evil is afoot, and so he comes to the hospital to try to save the girls (more specifically, his girlfriend, Ashley, and the girl he has a crush on, Heather).

Heather is the protagonist of the movie, who has also been having premonitions about her mother dying at the hospital, so naturally she lives. Ashley manages to kill one of the other girls by mistake, and then gets electrocuted by some wires dangling in a hallway, which I guess she didn't notice because she was so, you know, afraid and stuff. After the completely arbitrary electrocution, the movie attempts to connect it by saying a long time ago some nurse was electrocuted in the hospital, because that pulls everything together!

Heather and Richie attempt to escape through the death tunnel, which was a tunnel created for the removal of corpses from the hospital, but not before running into the ghost of Dr. Vangard. Can you guess what we find out next? Richie is his great grandson! After a brief exchange in which Richie denounces his great grandfather, the two coeds escape through the tunnel.

But could that be the end? Could a movie so ridiculously pretentious with no right to be end on such a completely simple note? Of course not! In a twist worthy of M. Night Shyamalan, it turns out Heather’s spirit is tied to the hospital, and she must go back in to help all of the other plague-spirits. Cue bad music and fade to black.

Now usually, this is the part of the review where I sum the movie up, make some witty pun, and let you muse on the poor quality of the movie. But with this summation, I think I can give you a better idea of just how choppy this movie was. That being said, here is my summation as edited by Philip Booth (writer/director):

So what I’m thought I WENT INTO THIS MOVIE and the editing WAS POORLY CAST BY the directing of one of the most UNCONVINCING SO I STARTED WATCHING IN HOPES but all that was left was and I CAN GARUNTEE THAT THIS MOVIE SUCKED!!!………………………..maybe.

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