Angelina Jolie is indeed the best thing about this movie
by Adam Miller
CYBORG 2 is the sequel to the Jean-Claude van Damme vehicle CYBORG. The sequel (unwittingly) traded up when it came to heroines (ANGELINA JOLIE!) and traded (way, way) down when it came to heroes (Elias Koteas…?) (and that's way, way down below van Damme for Pete's sake!). Actually, to be fair, Koteas has appeared in some worthy projects (THE THIN RED LINE, an episode of THE SOPRANOS) but if you're a true campademic you'll probably best recognize him as the anti-hero "Casey Jones" from TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES (he's the psycho with the cricket bat).
Anyway, in the dystopia of CYBORG 2 there are two evil robotics corporations: the Japanese based Kobayashi and the American PinWheel (huh?). We never really know just how evil Kobayashi is, because the plot of the film is that PinWheel is going to use a bio-liquid explosive on one of their hottest cyborg's, smuggle said cyborg into the Kobayashi headquarters, and blow it up, thus destroying Kobayashi. Now that's what I call taking care of business!
The cyborg chosen for the task is named Cash (oooh coincidence or biting economic commentary?) played by Jolie who (and this is sad to say) looks pudgier in her younger years than she does now. I thought having kids was supposed to make you put on pounds…
Cash has also fallen in love with her human karate instructor Colt (Koteas) and just when the sap thinks the two of them are about to hook up (a big no-no in PinWheel Employee handbook, btw) it turns out that poor Colt has been sucked into a little game by a mysterious figure known only as "Mercy."
Which begs the question, how did these people's parents (or creators) think up names for their offspring which not only fit their personalities, but their actual duties to the plot? Amazing!
Well anyway, Mercy (Jack Palance) only communicates through television sets (yup, any will do) likes to have the camera zoom in on his eye so that he can repeatedly say "I've got my eye on you." Impressive, since we later learn Mercy works out of an RV. Mercy does more than just look good on camera, he also forces Colt to smuggle Cash out of PinWheel hands to thwart their evil plans and to satisfy Mercy's own sense of… story, I guess.
Much of the movie follows Colt and Cash on the run from the (normally!) named Danny Bench played by (the much more cooly named) Billy Drago who you might best recognize from THE UNTOUCHABLES (he's the guy who Costner gives roof diving lessons to). Drago plays the part pretty sadistically, but sadly this is muddled by how goofy his props are (camera darts? wha?)
Anywa, as the movie resolves we learn the true history and intentions of Mercy and get a hot cyborg on human sex scene between Cash and Colt (yes, it's a nude scene). All I can say is that the movie wraps up with Jack Palance blasting everyone with machine guns before giving PinWheel it's proper comeuppance. So… I guess Kobayashi then takes over the planet? Or maybe I missed something. Meh. I doubt I'll be watching again any time soon.