There are few pieces of cinema as vomit inducing as COOL AS ICE. Strike that. There is nothing which induces one to vomit… no. VOMIT VOMIT VOMIT. COOL AS VOMIT. This film came out in 1991. I would have been about 6 years old then, perhaps a tad too young for Vanilla Ice’s target audience, but already at least three times as intelligent.
I don’t know where to begin with this movie. It eclipses everything I have seen prior in terms of sheer offensiveness. How could something so inane make me want to kill myself so many times?
Rather than take you through the plot (a middle-class family has been in the witness protection until the mob finds out there whereabouts and comes to make trouble) I am just going to take this film by its general themes. Think of this review as a synopsis of Life according to COOL AS ICE.
Sex: High school seniors want to screw (yes screw, as with most movies of this type, the hero display no more human interest in the woman than the evil boyfriend) Vanilla Ice Especially if he’s wearing striped boxers/shorts. And ESPECIALLY when he sneaks into their bedrooms (unbeknownst to them) and shoves a dripping wet ice cube into their mouths as they sleep. This procedure will automatically cause said female to begin removing her clothes for Vanilla Ice until her little brother enters the room. No, no. Really, this makes perfect sense you see. If you’re a pretty middle class girl who is very successful at horse riding, you are repressed. You need some SUPER COOL to liberate your libido. Which brings us to our next theme…
Cool: What is cool? Cool is really big sunglasses. Cool is a hair cut with patterns of bricks and zig zags. Cool is a general lack of muscle tone. Cool is making out in the desert on the back of a lime green motorcycle. Cool is “Yo.” Cool is “homeboy.” Displaying cool will instantly win you the hearts of 8 year old boys who want to be as cool as you. But he doesn’t just want to be with you because you are cool, he wants to be with you because you’re a cool MAN. Which brings us to our next theme….
Masculinity: There is a fine line between being a man and being a "dick" (the film's language). The line is even finer if your name happens to rhyme with dick and you happen to be dating the nice middle class girl who Vanilla Ice wants to fuck. Vanilla Ice is a man. Nick is a dick. Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t exactly want to spend much time with Nick. He drinks too much and wants to be a frat guy really bad. He’s also jealous, which in the liberated era of 1991 means he’s a dick. The fact that his jealousy seems somewhat justified considering his girl friend has an affair with Vanilla Ice does not help his manliness. If he were more of a man, he would learn how to rap and mess up shitty MCs. He would also learn how to win a fight four on one. Because this is what a man can do. A dick cannot do this.
I could go on, but my brain is just too valuable. COOL AS ICE is based on the premise that the universe revolves around Vanilla Ice’s ego. It’s big enough to have its own gravitational pull. When one is as sure of himself as Vanilla Ice, one can do and say and wear anything even if it is clear one has NO IDEA WHAT IT IS THEY ARE DOING, SAYING, OR WEARING.
Vanilla Ice clearly thinks of himself as the avatar of a generation. Perhaps there was once a time when Vanilla Ice offered a message of hope. Perhaps, what later appeared to be a cultural colonization of black culture by a smug white non-dick was once seen as a historic moment when all racial relations could be repaired. Perhaps, as an emissary of youth culture, Vanilla Ice could have made old embrace young again. Maybe… maybe… Aaaargh I just don’t care!
Drink every time Vanilla Ice mugs for the camera “contemplatively” then stick an ice cubes to your eyeballs and pull… hard.