Quotes that were… "I learned the truth a long time ago. Just because you can't see something doesn't mean it can't kill you."
And quotes that should've been… "The truth is, I'm not really an archaeologist. I don't even have a a degree. Hell, I don't even wear glasses."
Ah yes, a key piece of Uwe Boll’s ouevre. In my book, Boll is far from the worst current director. I'd happily stick Michael Bay or John Woo ahead of him. Boll's problem is simply that he doesn't understand how to tell a basic story. He wants so badly to be a Michael Bay that he focuses all his efforts on slick cinematography. Bay can pull it off and make millions because his plots are relatively straightforward (big robots must defend earth from other big robots. Check. Got it.) But Boll, by picking the notoriously convoluted plot lines of video games is often left in a terrible muddle.
Thus ALONE IN THE DARK, a pretty goofy flick about these monsters, see, and there’s this orphanage… ancient religions… portals!
The plot, needless to say, is a moot point despite an infamous five-minute text crawl of exposition at the film’s beginning. It really never gets any better from there with silly fight scenes and an even sillier Tara Reid trying to play an archaeologist (maybe they were going with some Brechtian A-effect with this one?).
Listening to Uwe’s commentary track is perhaps the best feature of this DVD as his recording is plagued by his dogs running around the recording studio jingling and jostling shit. Hearing him get pissed off about the fact that Tara Reid wouldn’t take off her top in her sex scene is also pretty priceless.